Every parent knows that their child are copy-cats. In reality, they mimic so often, and so skillfully, that they are nigh on “copying machines”. They duplicate what you say, the way in which you voice it, and in what situations you say it. They copy the manner by which you move, how you behave, how you act in response to events, how you talk about other people, and just about anything else you do.
But parents also realize that occasionally, we desire to teach them a specific thing, and they learn something else. By way of an example, you’re intending to teach them about gardening and how exciting it is to grow plants, but they learn to run away when they see a maggot or a spider, creating a brand new enduring phobia (or simple “severe disgust”).
The challenge is obviously that children learn at an exceptional rate. They simply don’t reliably learn the thing you mean them to learn. And it’s even worse because sometimes you don’t know (or don’t even think about) what you need your child to learn.
But choosing what you require your child to find out is not important when you’re sitting together with your daughter trying to teach them something. Well, it is important, but it’s evidently at the forefront of your awareness. The significant times are when you are not attempting to unambiguously teach your child something, but they are going to learn something nonetheless. It’s in these situations that you especially need to be alert to what your child is learning.
For instance, if you and your companion are in disagreement about something, and one of you curses and stalks off rather than coping with the arguement reasonably and fairly, what will your child learn? Well, the fundamental thing they’ll become skilled at is a brand new word, one that you don’t want them shouting in public! The subsequent thing they’re liable to learn is: “when in an argument, run off rather than managing it.” Or something like that, anyway.
So knowing that your child is going to learn a little something in EVERY SINGLE circumstance they are in is important. Deciding up front what you’d prefer them to understand is something else. And that’s the key reason why the most important empowering question for parents is: what do I want my child to learn from this?
If you can hold a question like this in your head as much as possible, and especially where you are intensely emotional or reacting from habit, you’ll start to have a terrific ability to have an effect on your child even more than you do before now. You’ll be able to show them more of how you mean them to behave, in a way that’s more like you when you are at your best, rather than you at your most horrible. You’ll be able to congruently say “do what I do AND what I say”, without worrying so much about your language and actions being in alignment. You’ll be able to tell your child as they mature why you behave like you do, realising that they’ll previously have had years of seeing you act in accordance with your morals and standards.
But… you will only be a success in doing this if you have a key frame of mind that parents need to have, something that makes this empowering question useful. By itself, the question is of use, but it’s not the only thing you need.
Read part 2 of this article to find out what that mindset is…